A few years ago I was on tour with EL-P, and during said tour EL had a live band playing with him. The band featured Wilder Zobey of Chin Chin fame on keyboards. You may remember Chin Chin from earlier music blasts and their stellar live show during the Ringolevio album release party. EL also had a fellow by the name of Kareem Bunton playing bass. I didn’t know much of this Kareem fellow other than he snored like a fucking maniac and he had a hella-fied sneaker collection. During one late night drive out of the shit hole that is Albuquerque, NM the lot of us that were still up (myself, fellow hangar member Ian McMullin, Soundguy Jimmy, Wilder Zobey, Photog extradonaire and friend of the blast SeanieCameras and the fore mentioned Mr. Bunton) were all up, drunk, watching the sun come up and sharing music, some we enjoyed and some of our own. When it came time for Kareem to play something he humbly said “check this out and tell me what you think, it’s some new stuff I have been working on”. I had no idea what I was in for, but it was jaw dropping. It sounded like Black Sabbath, if Black Sabbath was chilling with Robert Johnson at the crossroads and making a deal with Beelzabub that in return for their mortal soul they get to rock the fuck out of your dick holes with the a sonic assault that makes you want to put babies in your lady and then eat some good pulled pork with no shirt on.
The Juggs are the fucking truth. I have had a rough version of this album for almost a year now and have been waiting for the day I got an email or a call from Kareem asking me to blast this fucker. Well that day is today. Christmas in April muthafuckers.
PS. The Juggs will be playing tomorrow night at Frank’s Lounge in Ft. Greene tomorrow night (4/22/2010) at 11pm (660 Fulton St
Brooklyn, NY 11217 – (718) 625-9339)
I have recently been thinking about artists that show potential but never reach it for whatever reason. This phenomenom tends to be of epidemic proportions in rap music and I am not sure why. It could be the culture in the record industry demanding quick turn over and a follow the leader approach to marketing the music. It could be that most rappers do not have the musical background to understand what it takes to make a strong record. it could be that there isnt a lot of guidance other than the “make sure you have the x, y and z” style songs on your album. Or it could just be that some rappers are either too self indulgent or lazy to ever get the best from them.
I started thinking about this because of the artist Mos Def. Obviously a talented rapper. His work in the late 90s with Black Star was brilliant. His first solo album Black on Both Side, though uneven showed immense promise. Sadly that promise was never reached. It was a combination of him being bored with rap, trying to do too much, acting, getting hammered by Christopher Hitchens on Bill Maher, etc.
The point is he was unable to keep focus for a full album and his works became increasingly, how can I say this without being insulting, shitty.
With Mos there are always amazing moments.
When he is on, it is exactly what I want to hear when I listen to rap music, but when he is off it is exactly everything I hate when I listen. So this got me thinking, what if some one like Mos, or The Roots, or Ras Kass had a strong personality with an ear for what makes a great record pushing them to do so? Would it work. Would we get what we always hoped for from them? Sadly we will never know because the music industry has pretty much eliminated the true A&R position for quick profits and disposable artists. So I decided to try on my A&R hat and see if I couldnt put together a great album from the material that is already out there. I set a few rules in place to avoid just turning this into a best off type deal:
1. The music can only come from the artist album catalogue, no collaborations, guest appearances or side projects.
2. The project must flow like an album, which means if the song doesnt fit, it doesnt get on, I dont care if it is their biggest hit or has a Jay-Z or Kanye guest appearance.
3. It must not be longer than 55 minutes and 14 songs, because no album ever should be.
So lets see how this little experiment worked out. Mos Def, you are about to be Laskified.
Mos Def – Laskified
Track Listing
1. Champion Requiem
2. Mr. Nigga
3. Murder of a Teenage Life
4. Ghetto Rock
5. Quiet Dog Bite Hard
6. Undeniable
7. White Drapes
8. Sex, Love, and Money
9. Napoleon Dynamite
10. Close Edge
11. Umi Says
12. History feat. Talib Kweli
13. Brooklyn
So today we go back to our weekly series dedicated to naming the top ten-est rap albums of all time. I picked the ten albums I wanted to feature in advance. Since then I have been listening to them pretty non-stop which has lead to many of them being second guessed, removed, and shuffled around. Today’s record was originally slated in the number two spot, but the more I listened there was just no way I could justify putting it above the albums to follow.
A Tribe Called Quest was one of the best groups of the 90s. THey have also become one of the groups that annoying white people that want to discuss hip hop but have no real grasp of the culture cling to. They are like Cypress Hill minus the weed or the Beastie Boys minus the nasally NY jewish voices. Additionally Tribe reached a creative zenith that neither of these groups came close too….fuck anyone who says Paul’s Boutique was this or that. The MCing sucked so the album isnt good. It would have been better suited as an instrumental album, but sadly that trend didnt really take off till years later.
Midnight Marauders was the high water mark of creativity and artistry for the group from Queens. It also marked the first time that Phife Dawg wasnt a complete liability. That said Phife is also the reason for the albums drop from number two to number 5. There was just no way i could put an album that he shared lead vocal duties above say, Illmatic, which was originally in this slot.
Midnight Marauders is the most complete work from the group, it was the moment all the key elements came into their own, with the exception of Jarobi who came into his own by no longer appearing after the groups first album. The scope of their content moved from very hip hop centric concepts like Buggin Out and having The Jazz to more universal topics like romance, the experience of a young man in the city and even just everyday problems one faces in their life. Ali Shaheed Muhammad’s production was cohesive throughout and wasnt limited to just the obscure jazz samples that made Low End Theory a landmark album that has ultimately aged poorly. The production is thick and lavish and creates a mood that ties the album together from start to finish. Q-Tip while not displaying the same level of craftmanship in Low End Theory offers a more complete performance combining content, flow, voice and lyrics to help him reach even greater heights as an mc. The guest appearances are not frivolous and include a top notch performance from Large Professor, getting booth guest vocal and guest production credits on Keep It Rollin and chorus appearances from Trugoy and Busta Rhymes on Award Tour and Oh My God respectively. The album also spawned two undeniable hip hop classics the aforementioned Award Tour and Electric Relaxation which ended up on every mixtape I made for my lady friend that year.
I think most would agree that Midnight Marauders is the magnum opus for one of the genre’s most creative acts and remains as poigient and fresh sounding today as it did back in 1993.
Personal note: I went to SUNY New Paltz and this album circulated the campus for about two months before its actual release. Albums that also leaked that school year and made the rounds were Black Moon’s debut and Nas’ Illmatic. So I guess leaked records were not just a symptom of the internet age.
At number 7 we have an entry from De La Soul, Buhloone Mindstate. It is the best De La record to date, and considering how bad their recent output has been, it is probably the best De La album period. Artsy types will often gravitate towards their first two records 3 Feet High and Rising and De La Soul is Dead, one of which is good and one of which is kind of a cluster fuck. Ill let you figure out which is which. Purists will often go with Stakes is High which is an average effort at best, and the worst of the 4 De La albums that matter, it also signified the beginning of the end for De La as an important entity.
Bulhoone Mind State is the high water mark of their artistic creativity and maturity. Marking the first time in the groups history that all three major contributors were on the same playing feild. Dave aka Trugoy was always a capable MC but was carried by the greatness of Posdnous and Prince Paul. This was the first time it felt like Dave could hang. It is also the only rap record that ever made it into the category of grown folk music that wasnt a Jay-Z post Black Album-esque snooze fest or some crotchety old folks telling the kids to pull their pants up.
The Lyrics are intense, layered, and personal. Posdnous delivers one of the greatest lyrical performances in the history of the genre. His lyrics are brilliant, revealing, and easy to grasp, while still holding true to his abstract style. His patterns are absolutely absurd. The high point being his verse on I Am I Be. Prince Paul’s The production is a cleaned up and more to the point version of 3 Feet High and Rising. They are soulful and not in a shitty Common post Resurrection vibe.
Outside of the weird asian guys rapping (which luckily isnt too long) the album is flawless. Truth be told I have recently become reacquanted with this album and it is the inspiration for this bizarre quest to change the way we look at rap albums, moving from an impact, historical significance and sales number model to one of artistry. Buhloone Mindstate is definitely one of the artistic high points in the history of the genre.
A few years back I did a show in Baltimore and I met an MC named K-Beta. He seemed like a good enough guy, we chopped it up a bit, and he gave me a copy of his cd. Most times when this happens the cd gets a few seconds of listen than tossed. However Beta’s cd stayed in heavy rotation for the whole tour and beyond. I was amazed at how hungry, clear and hard his raps were. There was an honestly in his music that I havent heard from anyone in quite some time. He was the total package, if I started my own label he would be the first rapper I would sign. I recently sat down with Beta to discuss his music and life.
Please take a few seconds to introduce yourself to the steady bloggin audience, please give them a little back ground as to who you are, what you do, etc.
Whaddup y’all..I’m K-Beta coming outta the DMV. I’m 1/4 of Inner Loop Records..and also an artist on the label. I’m also co-owner and CBO of BetaRaz Entertainment. I’m an MC/producer/vocal arranger/party host/calendar publisher/last line of defense.
Right now you seem poised to make a big statement for the DC scene, what was your path from first starting out to where you are now?
Its a hell of a journey, and its far from over. I’m blessed and fortunate to be a part of a great team. We have all paid our dues, and have come too far to even consider turning back. The statement for DMV hip-hop is already being made. I’m coming in to put the period on the end of the sentence.
I first became aware of your work when you gave me the cd ‘Nigger” at Sonar in Baltimore. I was extremely impressed by the craftmanship on the record. The writing was some of the most honest I have ever heard put on wax. What was the writing experience like for that record. Did you have any concerns about it being too honest for an audience that typically gravitates towards the dramatic and sensational?
Thanks a lot A. Coming from an artist of your calibur, that’s a huge compliment. Honestly, most of those lyrics were written while I was still locked up. I came home in 2004 with hundreds of songs written, and we put Nigger together with the best joints from that bunch. I don’t concern myself with sensationalizing my work, because I pride myself on being a sensational lyricist. I have been given the ability to articulate any state of mind or emotion through my lyrics, and people gravitate towards that. The honesty pulls people in, because they can draw strength and inspiration from that. Its the way I was raised by the MCs I grew up listening to.
Listening to the 89 to 09 cd, it is obvious that you are a student of rap, the beats you picked come from a diverse cross section of artists and your flows stayed very true the the artist chosen. What was the reason behind the project and how has influence of the artists chosen guided you as an artist.
89 to 09 was a way for us to put something out that would stand out from the slew of mixtapes in a sorely oversaturated market. There are a lot of artists who are throwing out mixtape after mixtape, and the general interest has damn near bottomed out. With 89 to 09, I was able to not only put out a quality product that is an enjoyable listen, but also have a lot of fun giving props to some of my favorite MCs of the past 20 years. Also, I wanted to display that various influences that have guided and growth as a writer.
A lot of your work tells of your struggles with alcohol and drugs, being in this life, doing shows, touring, etc one is surrounded by drugs and alcohol, how do you deal with that, does it effect you in anyway?
I just focus on my purpose. I stopped drinking about two years ago, because my alcohol use was the biggest roadblock to my success, happiness and overall well-being. Being out isn’t a real problem for me, because I harbor no illusion about the severity of my struggles. I know the consequences of making that choice, so I cannot fool myself.
A lot of the country is not familiar with the DC scene, can you give us a bit of a history and tell us the current state of the scene?
There has always been hip-hop on the DC scene. I was fortunate to be around at a time when the scene was starting to take form, and as a result, I have been able to watch and participate in the explosion of DMV hip-hop to what it is today. Growing up, I was excited to see artists like DC Scorpio and DJ Kool on TV. It let me know that you didn’t have to be from NY or LA to make it. Those brothers and sisters made me believe in myself as an MC from this area. That is why I’ll do a project like 89 to 09. I will always give back to the foundation. It’s similar to paying tithe at church. I know that I owe the old school for having a shot at going down in history.
What’s on deck for K-Beta?
I’m in the studio everyday. I have an album on deck called FTC. I have production from just about every dope producer in the area on it. I can’t give you a solid drop date for it, but the first single will be out very soon. I’m also working on an album produced entirely by Team Demo. That’s a special project for me, because TD were the first cats specifically out of VA to make noise on the DC side. There’s more too. 2010 is going to be a very big year for us.
Where can fans find you and your music?
Right now, fans in the area can catch me on the Capitol City Music Tour with Kingpen Slim and XO. My first album, Nigger: An Audiobiography by K-Beta, is available on iTunes and CDBaby. The 89 to 09 mixtape can be downloaded for free at www.innerloopuncut.com.
I recently sat down with J57 of the New York City based rap group Brown Bag AllStars to discuss the group, their music, the NYC scene and their plans for the future.
Give us a brief introduction to each of the members of the group.
What’s up, I’m J57 (emcee/producer) from the Brown Bag AllStars, the group consists of The Audible Doctor (emcee/producer), Koncept (emcee), Soul Khan (emcee), DJ E Holla, Deejay Element, DJ Goo & myself. Most of us live in Brooklyn, E Holla lives in the Bronx & DJ Goo lived in BK for a few years but now lives back home in Arizona, but none of us are originally from Brooklyn. The Audible Doctor is originally from Wisconsin, Koncept grew up in Queens (then moved to Warwick, NY), Soul Khan is from California, Deejay Element is originally from Albany, NY & I’m originally from Long Island.
How did you guys come together?
Fat Beats. We all work at Fat Beats and became friends over the years. It all started because we used to chill there after-hours on Friday nights and get drunk while bullshitting about hip hop. It was often more than just the members of Brown Bag chilling it was friends and lady friends and most of them were emcees, DJ’s and producers. We never expected those chill sessions to turn into a serious hip hop group, but looking back now it makes sense when you see who’s in the group and how it all went down.
What is working at Fat Beats like? How has that experience effected you are artists and fans?
Working at Fat Beats keeps us up to date on what’s going on at all times in the hip hop scene. We get to use the Fat Beats customers as a daily focus group without even having to ask them any questions. They’ll walk in the store and look at what’s new and straight up tell us their opinion on the new albums. It doesn’t matter if we agree with everything they say, we still get the information from them and we notice what people are sick of in hip hop and what they’re really into at the moment.
Any good stories from working there?
Hell yeah, I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a few legendary artists and high up industry cats working here. Matter of fact, as I was answering the question prior to this one, Breeze Brewin of the Juggaknots walked in and chilled for a bit ha-ha. I gotta say the two craziest people I’ve met here would have to be DJ Kool Herc & Eminem. I met Herc years and years ago when I was just starting here with my homie Elann and I was beyond star struck because he’s one of the creators of hip hop. Eminem came by the store very recently with the Alchemist, Mr. Porter (shouts to them), Paul Rosenberg and a huge entourage of people from Shady Records. Who meets Eminem? I mean, really?? It was incredible just getting to bullshit with him for a half an hour. He really wanted my opinion on The Relapse and he was getting all amped up when I was telling him about all the Cold Chillin’ re-releases that have been dropping recently. The dude’s still a big hip hop head; he copped a Thirstin Howl III DVD, 3 Only Build 4 Cuban Linx 2′s, a Blueprint 3, a Beatnuts skully, a Fat Beats t-shirt and a few other things.
So did you tell him how you really feel about it?
Hell yeah, I told him I like the album only lyrically, which is true. I only like two beats. I immediately said, ”shit, was that too far?” ha-ha. He was acting like a new artist, sincerely saying “wow, really?? yo thanks, man!” I couldn’t believe how shocked he was that I thought he the album was lyrically great.
What is in the name Brown Bag? I’m sure NYer’s know but the rest of the country might not.
Being that we work at Fat Beats, we’d get on the guest list to any hip hop show, any time. So the entire summer of 2007, we would pre-game at Fat Beats for a few hours then go to whatever big show was going on that night. After a few months of doing that, I came up with the name Brown Bag AllStars as a joke name for the guest list of these shows we were always going to. The ”Brown Bag” part of the name came about because whenever we’d buy 40′s from the bodega around the block from Fat Beats, the owner would make sure he put a brown bag on every single 40 we purchased. Like I said, it was a pretty big crew of people that could drink a lot, so this guy was sitting there putting each individual 40 in a brown bag, most nights it was at least 30 bottles. We found it weird/funny, but the guy wouldn’t let us leave unless all the bottles had brown bags on them. So that’s how we got the name.
You guys do a lot of branding around the name, you have things like Brown Bag Season, brown bag Thursdays. Why did you guys start to take this approach, and how has it been working?
We took this approach because we realized branding is the key and if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. We’ve seen more shit and learned more than the average artist our age just from working at Fat Beats. We were steady doing 1 – 3 shows a week for a year straight but then realized we also need an online presence. Brown Bag Season is a marketing campaign that we developed to create an online buzz, outside of just doing shows around NYC, upstate, etc. We’ve released a free song or video clip a week from May 2009 to November 2009. At first, we were releasing 2 songs a week until early August. They were all songs that we started working on November 2008 and really finished up around that time. We took our time with the songs because we didn’t want to compromise the quality just to meet our deadlines.
As for Brown Bag Thursday’s, that is a bi-weekly hip hop show that we throw in NYC. We’ve had acts like Percee P, Poison Pen, Breez EvahFlowin, Natural Elements and these good chaps named Alaska & Kojo rock our stage as well as the cream of the crop of up-coming artists from around the Tri-State area.
It’s amazing to see that our marketing plans are really working and people are hitting us up every day trying to get in Brown Bag Thursday or to produce a track for Brown Bag Season. We’re really happy with the results.
Over the past few years people have been shitting on the NYC scene, me included. Then I stumbled upon you guys, homeboy sandman and others and was impressed with what the younger generation was doing. Tell the readers what has really been going on in the scene over the past few years and how you guys play into it.
We appreciate that! Honestly, the NYC scene sucked donkey balls for a few years. I think it was the over saturation of new rappers as well as the early decline of the music industry that got people depressed about “the state of the new artists.” People were coming into Fat Beats on a daily basis saying ”There’s nothing good out anymore” or “I can’t listen to any of these new rappers,” etc. I’m not really sure what it was that created this dramatic change in the quality of new NYC artists, maybe it was the fact that the younger cats like ourselves, were sick of the new breed? I’m not really sure, but let me say big shouts to Homeboy Sandman for being one of the greatest lyricists in NYC right now. That dude needs to be on the cover of The Source.
As a larger group I’m sure the creative process is a bit rougher than a solo artist or a duo. How does it work for you guys?
It actually works out pretty easy for us. We have meetings almost daily (whether through email or in person) and over time we realized that majority rule is the way to do it. If someone has an idea and 1 or 2 of us hates the idea but everyone else loves the idea, then we’re most likely going with that idea, etc. Also, as emcee’s we’re always asking each other for advice because we all want the best product possible. So, the group dynamic actually works in our advantage because our quality control is so strong. Our DJ’s actually come up with most of our live show ideas, so everyone contributes greatly to the group.
You just dropped the Brown Tape, what can the listeners expect?
Yes, sir, The Brown Tape is a project that we recorded in spring ’08 but it’s a very solid project. We recorded it very quickly just to have merch to sell at shows and to get people familiar with our music. Listeners can expect: bangin’ beats, clever lyrics, and a very quality mixing. Overall, it is a very, very solid product of semi-older material.
What can we expect to hear from you guys over the next year?
In 2010 you can expect the Brown Bag AllStars’ debut album, Koncept’s EP, The Audible Doctor’s EP, Soul Khan mixtape and by December be on the lookout for my (J57) debut instrumental album called Digital Society. And of course expect a slew of dope mixtapes by Deejay Element & E Holla!! Myspace.com/BrownBagAllStars & BrownBagAllStars.blogspot.com. THANK YOU, Alaska!
Brown Bag AllStars - Undeniable (Audible Doctor Remix)
As election season nears I have decided I can no long sit idly by and watch the major decisions that affect the things I love be made by someone else who is most likely inferior in every way to myself. Thus I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for the Attorney General of Rap. I feel I have the experience, the know-how, and the ability to take kick backs under the table that my opponent just lacks.
While I have been out of the public eye for a little over two years now, I have been able to use this time wisely, and from what I’ve gathered we need a complete overhaul of the system. Granted it is a monumental task, but I think I am up to it. Why, you may ask? Well because I am white and in my mid-thirties. If that doesn’t uniquely qualify me for a position of power in America I don’t know what does.
I have assembled a crack staff of crack heads, racists, homophobes, dullards and un-hirables the likes of which the world has never seen. We have spent many a sleepless night devouring the research and we have come up with the following 5 point plan. A plan that we feel will save rap music from itself, our plan is as follows.
1. Race – We have broken rappers across racial lines and decided that only certain members of each race make contribution of quality to the art. Going forward only artists that fit into the criteria will be allowed to make rap music. The criteria are as follows:
Blacks – as long as you are a natural born or naturalized US citizen from one of the approved regions you will be permitted to make rap.
Latinos – Only Puerto Ricans and Dominicans. Sorry Mexicans and others, if we allow you to rap eventually you make shit like Reggaeton and I will not have that under my watch.
Whites – Only the Irish and the Italians. Because these groups hate black people so much that the hate seems to have emboldened them to bring back a proud minstrel tradition that all white trash/jugaloos can be proud. Plus they are super fun to laugh at.
Asians – Only Filipinos because of they’re great contributions to the art of turntablism.
Any attempts to make music by those that fall out of the accepted ethnic zone will result in an immediate extradition to Queens.
2. Religion – No religions will be allowed to make rap music:
It’s science fact that religion has a long history of fucking up rap music and every group is responsible for it. How so you ask? Well let’s take a look:
Muslims: after All for One nobody wanted to hear your mumbo-jumbo.
Christians: you guys fuck up whatever music you touch, look at metal and hardcore, plus you have country on lock.
Jews: You are responsible for MC Serch and Matisyahu, nuff said. Plus we have already let in the Italians and we don’t need two groups that try to pass themselves off as Puerto Ricans.
Buddhists, Atheists and other new agey types: Def Jux and Rhymesayers artists are established enough that they don’t need any local openers so you are done here.
Should any of you attempt to rap you will be forced to march in gay pride parades and for you new agey types you will be forced to each beef.
3. Regions/States – We have decided that only certain areas of the country have made acceptable contributions to the art and therefore they are the only ones allowed to continue to do so. These regions/states are as follows:
East Coast
New York (Tri-state only meaning New York City and parts of Jersey)
Pennsylvania (Philadelphia only)
Georgia (Atlanta only)
If you are not from one of these areas or have not lived there for more than 10 years you will not be allowed to make rap music, any attempts to do so will be punishable by a punch in the dick and a life public school teacher in the “bad” part of town.
4. Women – No women, sorry. Any attempt by a woman to rap will immediately be deemed unacceptable for reproduction or marriage.
5. Foreigners – If the events of 9/11 taught us anything it is this; WE MUST protect our borders at all costs. Luckily, due to the great work by the shadow government and raci….I mean minutemen we have not had another terrorist attack. However our ears have been assaulted with a barrage of sounds from north, south, east and west of the borders and as far as I’m concerned that is just unacceptable. If you elect me, on my first day in office I will enact laws that will keep our stores and airwaves free of this inferior and laughable product. Anyone caught listening to, selling, enjoying or inactively listening to rap that is not American made will be subject to re-education in a class room designed specifically for them, the retarded.
If we can institute my policies I think we can make the world of rap better. I hope that come Election Day I can count on your support and start to make rap a better and slightly less embarrassing place to be.
If there was a Nobel Prize for hatin we would win that shit!
Subway Platform Musicians
Blockhead
I’ve heard the tall tales of musicians getting discovered while playing on subway platforms. We all have. MAYBE that shit has happened once in the history of the universe. The same way some imaginary guy has been discovered while singing loudly to himself on the street (word to your man Tyrese). Regardless of all these yet to be proven stories, subway musicians, by and large, are fucking annoying. Whether it be some old guy on a trumpet fumbling his way through a rendition of “Summertime” or some hippie shitbag playing an acoustic guitar, it’s rarely anything anyone wants’ too hear. Occasionally, you may luck out and come across one of those bizarre one man band motherfuckers who plays an organ, while drumming with their feet and blowing on a harmonica, but even those guys are only mildly entertaining for a short period of time. The bottom line with subway platform musicians is that it’s a self involved act. it’s someone thinking the world needs to hear their music and going to a place that people HAVE to be and cannot leave. It’s not like they’re up in the coffee house or a small music venue. They’re just chilling in public, playing their hearts out, while people go to work and, in most cases, want to be left completely alone. So fuck those guys. Not to mention when your greatest success story is kids playing buckets in a levis jeans commercial it may be time to look into plan b.
Williamsburg
Alaska
As a rule I hate revivalists. Whether it is waiters from Johnny Rockets dressing like waiters from the 50′s or Little Brother making music that sounds like ATCQ ate a gang of retard sandwiches. But the most annoying revivalists are those that like to dress up like colonists, and colonial Williamsburg is ground zero for these dicks. I don’t get the appeal of this shit. If I wanted to see an overzealous teacher or a failed actor I would just sign up for acting class at the local community college. I don’t need some dick that doesn’t break character give me some shtick about not knowing what a toilet is when I ask him where to find the shitter. Dude you are wearing a Swatch and drove here in a fucking 1997 Hyundai Excel, how about giving the shitty accent a break and tell me where I can drop this deuce off. Wait did you mean the place in Brooklyn with all the J.O’s with stupid facial hair and Ting Ting shirts?
people who are really into cupcakes
Blockhead
I could never hate on cupcakes. Who could they are fucking delicious, but what I can hate on is this weird cupcake hysteria that has emerged over the last decade or so. I may be off in this but I will lay 100% of that blame the TV show “Sex in The City”. I guess in one episode they went to this cupcake bakery in NYC called “Magnolia” and all of sudden every person in a skirt needs a mouth full of buttermilk icing. Now, I’ve been to this cupcake establishment and sure, it’s “cute”, but you know what? The cupcakes are completely and utterly mediocre. It speaks in volumes about how far a store’s image can take you. But I digress. 2 months ago I was at a wedding in Martha’s vineyard with a bunch of couples. While walking around town we happened upon a cupcake shop. It was a dainty little room set up with all sorts of cute frilly bullshit girls love and most importantly, a shit ton of cupcakes. Needless to say, the half of the group that owned vaginas lost their minds. They spent like 20 minutes inside while all the guys stood outside rolling our eyes in unison. Fast forward to this weekend and I hear my girlfriend talking extensively with a few other girls about this very cupcake shop, and all of them completely engrossed and excited about it. Seriously, it’s just a fucking cupcake. Eat that shit and K.I.M.
people who don’t own TV’s
Alaska You know what? I am a pretentious dick, I can own up to that. I think if you have read one of these hate fueled rants you would concur. I mock people who like shit like CBS sit-coms, Coldplay and the book The Secret. Even so, I am nowhere near as pretentious as people who don’t own televisions. They are the same people who wear scarves in t-shirt weather and carry around beat up leather satchels because Robin Williams did it in Dead Poet’s Society. They will always inform you in such a dickish tone. “Oh I don’t own a TV; we find ways to entertain ourselves”. How by staring at your husband’s stretched out and stained Beatles T-shirt? Or maybe by making macaroni pictures with your snob of a daughter Amelie. The key thing to remember is that you are an asshole. You are not interesting and nobody gives a fuck about the Russian author you are reading. Not having a TV only makes you a superior dick but not superior.
Scrabble
Every week Alaska and I do this and we email each other a list of things to hate on. Sometimes he sends me shit I either can’t hate on or things I straight up love. This is one of those occasions. I fucking love scrabble. Always have. On top of that, I’m really fucking good at it. I spend an obscene amount of time online destroying my friends on facebook or playing over at wordbiz.jar with people so good I constantly think they’re cheating. The irony of my love for scrabble is that I never read anything and pretty much have the vocabulary of a toddler. Still, I’ve picked up a knack for memorizing useless 2 and 3 letter words (all of which I have no clue what they mean). So hating on scrabble, for me, is a hard one. That said, I suppose I could try – First off, I hate shitty tile distribution. U’s, i’s, c’s and v’s are all letters I’ve never given a second thought to but in scrabble land they’re all vicious cocksuckers. Secondly, scrabble takes over your brain. If I’ve played too much in one day I start seeing imaginary word combinations and begin conjuring up all sorts of 4 word combos when I shut my eyes to sleep. A similar thing used to happen when I’d play too much Tetris. I’ve definitely lost sleep over scrabble and that, is pretty fucking unacceptable. Thirdly, I hate losing at something I’m really good at. I can handle getting beaten in a basketball game because, on a larger scale, I’m not that good. At the same time, I very rarely lose to people I’m a lot better then. But with scrabble, no matter how good you are, you will lose on occasion. I rarely lose to friends but when I do they enjoy it way too much, which eats away at my soul.
Other than those three things scrabble is the greatest game ever invented. All you chess playing motherfuckers can eat a dick.
Blockhead
homeless people Alaska
I know I should feel sympathy for these poor bastards, but you know what? I don’t. Sure that probably makes me the dick, and I’m more than willing to own that. Look, I know times are tough in America and its getting harder and harder to get by, but when even the biggest wastes I knew in high school can make due with a job at McD’s or some equally soul crushing establishment then you too can get by. Sure it might be a shitty existence but if I learned anything from the dicks in colonial Williamsburg it is that even at our worst we have it pretty sweet since there is no Injuns trying to sell our kids into white slavery and small pox is a thing of the past. If you are so fucked up that you have alienated everyone in your life because of unchecked mental illness or drug abuse why should I give a fuck about you. Plus you all smell like a mix of urine and Hindus.
My Five Point Plan to Save Rap Music
Friday, October 16th, 2009As election season nears I have decided I can no long sit idly by and watch the major decisions that affect the things I love be made by someone else who is most likely inferior in every way to myself. Thus I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for the Attorney General of Rap. I feel I have the experience, the know-how, and the ability to take kick backs under the table that my opponent just lacks.
While I have been out of the public eye for a little over two years now, I have been able to use this time wisely, and from what I’ve gathered we need a complete overhaul of the system. Granted it is a monumental task, but I think I am up to it. Why, you may ask? Well because I am white and in my mid-thirties. If that doesn’t uniquely qualify me for a position of power in America I don’t know what does.
I have assembled a crack staff of crack heads, racists, homophobes, dullards and un-hirables the likes of which the world has never seen. We have spent many a sleepless night devouring the research and we have come up with the following 5 point plan. A plan that we feel will save rap music from itself, our plan is as follows.
1. Race – We have broken rappers across racial lines and decided that only certain members of each race make contribution of quality to the art. Going forward only artists that fit into the criteria will be allowed to make rap music. The criteria are as follows:
Any attempts to make music by those that fall out of the accepted ethnic zone will result in an immediate extradition to Queens.
2. Religion – No religions will be allowed to make rap music:
It’s science fact that religion has a long history of fucking up rap music and every group is responsible for it. How so you ask? Well let’s take a look:
Should any of you attempt to rap you will be forced to march in gay pride parades and for you new agey types you will be forced to each beef.
3. Regions/States – We have decided that only certain areas of the country have made acceptable contributions to the art and therefore they are the only ones allowed to continue to do so. These regions/states are as follows:
New York (Tri-state only meaning New York City and parts of Jersey)
Pennsylvania (Philadelphia only)
Georgia (Atlanta only)
Illinois (Chicago only)
Minnesota (Minneapolis only)
Texas (Houston only)
California (Los Angeles and Oakland only)
If you are not from one of these areas or have not lived there for more than 10 years you will not be allowed to make rap music, any attempts to do so will be punishable by a punch in the dick and a life public school teacher in the “bad” part of town.
4. Women – No women, sorry. Any attempt by a woman to rap will immediately be deemed unacceptable for reproduction or marriage.
5. Foreigners – If the events of 9/11 taught us anything it is this; WE MUST protect our borders at all costs. Luckily, due to the great work by the shadow government and raci….I mean minutemen we have not had another terrorist attack. However our ears have been assaulted with a barrage of sounds from north, south, east and west of the borders and as far as I’m concerned that is just unacceptable. If you elect me, on my first day in office I will enact laws that will keep our stores and airwaves free of this inferior and laughable product. Anyone caught listening to, selling, enjoying or inactively listening to rap that is not American made will be subject to re-education in a class room designed specifically for them, the retarded.
If we can institute my policies I think we can make the world of rap better. I hope that come Election Day I can count on your support and start to make rap a better and slightly less embarrassing place to be.
Tags: Alaska, Comedy, commentary, Def Jux, hip hop, indie hip hop, Philaflava, politics, rap, Rhymesayers, rse, satire, Steady Bloggin'
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