There is this duck who lives on the corner of Allerton Avenue in the Bronx who became sort of my best friend and encompassed a hell of a lot about what the year was like for me, what the fuck right?
Well let me explain, see I still make music full time “somehow” despite it being extremely hard to do. I’ve some how managed, save for the occasional bouncer/porter job and trips to Belmont and Saratoga Parks’ I made it through another one on music by the skin of my teeth. Mostly by not going near Manhattan and smoking more regs than exotics so all in all it was s good year. I made quite a lot of music in 09 in hopes of a long overdue (for me) 2010 release, we will see. One thing is for sure, music got made.
Highly incendiary rumors are floating about concerning the collapse of EL-P’s baby, Definitive Jux Records. Aesop Rock on the verge of signing to Rhymesayers? Makes sense taking into account Felt 3 and Ace Rizzle’s permanent jaunt to the West Coast. Another question mark is the claim of $200K+ in debt beleaguering the label. The original post also takes note of Cage’s 180 from white rage to white guilt.
The end of an era? Baseless internet fodder? Anyone know……or care?
UPDATE: This is Slug’s statement: “there have been no discussions about aesoprock joining our roster.
seems like some unreliable-source-shit is going on.
plus, for a piece that is attempting to bring you the hot gossip, they sure did take some time to give their unfavorable opinions on cage.
whole piece smells like horseshit.
don’t believe the wipe.”
Okay……I unintentionally fucking lied. Hard (…pause…). Your notsohumble correspondent is in the buildin’ and he’s feelin’ someone else (with a vagina). 2009 was chock-full of digital bloodshed, bootlegging, hilarious homoeroticism, Dilla corpse pimpin’, self-censorship and other male estrogen tornadoes. This is the first in a three-part series dealing with twelve subjects (one subject for each month of the year…..clever as fuck, I know).
The Soccer Mom Movement
Jay-Z used this year to usher in a new era of mediocrity. Adding “mundane as a mawfucka” to his resume, we were all treated to the metrosexual extravaganza that is Blueprint 3. Let’s forget for a moment the fucking absurd promotional push that preceded BP3’s reveal climaxing (no homo) with Hova’s appearance on Oprah Winfrey’s daily circus of an hour for white women. The true marker of an artist in decline: Discussing the intricacies of a cocaine distribution network to millions of women across the country discarding Lunchables packaging and counting Girl Scout cookies. The cherry on top, though, was Jay’s decision to pick the prettiest feather/Manchurian Candidate from America’s fedora and feature the miserable sack of shit on the miserable sack of shit titled “Off That.”. If you actually purchased this album, iTunes or the brick & mortar route, your 2010 will consist of manscaping regimens and bikini-cut underwear for men woven in Germany.
The Sexually & Emotionally Reinvented Indie Rapper
One name: Cage. I was admittedly hyped earlier in the year when I caught some YouTube footage of him rocking a new track at what looked like a fucked-up house party from the nineties you forgot about going to. But I guess that’s the splendor of the internet: It feeds your own delusion. I digress. Depart From Me , I imagine, is the closest humans will ever be to audibly witnessing, in the form of music, the angst of a menstrual cycle in a woman entering her early-twenties. This is a powerhouse of a project if you are fond of contrivances, confusion and high-gloss black nail polish. Why is this peculiar? A) Cage was the quintessential self-hating, drug-abusing, wishing-he-was-born-black poster boy not more than a new moon ago, B) There is no way on this planet or any other that Cage’s transition to Jello Biafra’s maxi pad wasn’t calculated in order to salvage a career and C) Pete Wentz’s stunt double is signed to a label helmed by an internationally respected MC and producer who is on record, hundreds of times over, condemning the same bullshit he’s now financing. All we can do now is embrace the audacity of reality and prepare for a new wave of Emo so powerful that both Brian Bosworth and Kool Herc will shed tears.
Time To Chew & Digest My Own Words
Before Felt 3: A Tribute to Rosie Perez even leaked, I wrote it off in harsh terms as an easy method for bank account padding utilized by the contributing entities. Let’s face it, folks: Does Slug sincerely need yet another series of greenback infusions from your teenage, female cousins? Is Murs in dire need of reaping the financial rewards for skirting the laws of political correctness and throwing up numerous affronts to feminism that would land any other rapper in hot water? Can Aesop Rock buy any more sweaters with large, striped, neutral-hued bands of complexity for rapping like a living, breathing, chopped & screwed dictionary? Needless to say, but I’m going to anyway, this volume of Felt is like a lost 3rd Bass LP from an upside-down dimension where the atmosphere (no fucking pun intended) is thick with Lexapro and pornography. Now I’ve personally never been a Sluggie. This isn’t to say I haven’t heard a handful of his songs that are above-the-cut, but not a rhymesayer (no fucking pun intended) I regularly listen to say rhymes. Murs was a favorite of mine pre-2000, but his output in da noo-noo millennium is kinda doo-doo fuh really, son. Aesop Rock, though: FUCK. His beats sound like they were constructed and sequenced by a pissed-off, pessimistic, pedantic-plus Prince Paul. Initially I assumed it was the element of surprise that ultimately grabs you in terms of the production. The second listen was when it took root that with some more ASR-fueled shit of this caliber, he has the capacity be as compelling with a sampler as he is with a microphone.
The Mother Fucker You’ve Never Heard Of Who Should Be All Up In Your Headphones
With damn near 1,000,000 calling it home, if you’ve lived here long enough you know San Jose is no larger than Mayberry to you. Enter 2 Left Feet. Formerly known to long-time residents as Kefing the Asiatic of the once almighty Epic Paradox. Granted, his subject matter and approach have changed to a certain degree. Yet and still he maintains a jovial accessibility and wit so many in his category lack in droves. It is this distinctness that bleeds into his music. Half-hustler/Half-Ho Slayer. All San Jose.
I recently sat down with one of NYC’s finest up and coming MCs, Homeboy Sandman, to discuss his music and history, the state of the NYC scene, the hip hop scene as a whole and what it means for the up and coming artist.
Introduce yourself to the readers, tell them a bit about your history, how you came up, etc.
Peace ya’ll my name is Homeboy Sandman. I came up in Queens. I had not much, more than enough, a purebred sort of a mutt. Growing up I always listened to the nicest cats. Everyone from the Fresh Prince to Black Thought to Redman to Big Pun to Eminem to Andre 3000. I never got caught up in the people everybody talked about who weren’t actually nice, of which there were many.
Since we all are creations of our influences How would you describe your sound and how do you feel they come across in the music you create?I would describe my sound as lyrics so sharp I don’t even need flows and flows so sharp I don’t even need lyrics. The gentlemen I mentioned in my first answer come across in the music I create because they set the bar that I must rise to then go beyond. They inspire me to do things that have never been done before. Find flows never flowed before. Melodies never used, experimentation with wordplay and subject matter, and finally to boldly go where no emcee has gone before. John Coltrane, Charlie Parker, The Dave Bruebeck Quartet, and Spyro Gyra are also among my melodic influences and Billie Joel is one of my favorite lyricists of all time as well.
What is your creative process writing and recording?
I Begin with the beat. Two questions come from that. First, how does this beat make me feel? What’s the mood? What’s the tone? That’s what I’m going to talk about. Something somber. Something happy. Something pure, once I have that I’m ready to go in. Secondly, what should rhymes over this sound like? What melody compliments this music. THIS IS MUSIC. Find that melody. Fit the words into that melody like putty into a crack. God does the majority of the work throughout this process.
There is the idea that the NYC scene is over, I see a bit of a resurgance going on right now, Time out New York even did a piece on all of the open mics and weekly showcases that are going on. What are your feelings on the scene, where it’s been, where it is and where it’s going?
That’s ridiculous. The scene is flourishing mightily. I come across emcees every day, from professionals like Tanya Morgan and Pack FM, to open mic up and comers like YC the Cynic and Top $ Raz, who are making phenomenal music and putting on phenomenal performances. We’re getting stronger every day. It’s going forward towards the creation of hip hop that will be looked at as music first and foremost.Who are some of the up and coming NYC artists that should be on people’s radar?
YC the Cynic and Top $ Raz I mentioned earlier. J Monopoly and The OISD Crew. Kalae AllDay. Brown Bag All Stars. Fresh Daily. P.SO. Jersey cats but always in NYC 8TH W1 and Brokn Englsh, just to name a few.
Hip hop seems to be taking a bit of a back seat to rock on a popular music level, much like metal and rock did when rap took over in the mid 90s. Obviously there will always be rap music around and being created, as an up and coming artist how do you think rap no longer being the cash cow for the music industry will affect the music, on a personal level and a macro level?
This ties into my last answer a bit. As more and more hip hop that is actually music becomes widely available people who love music will check for it. People who love music aren’t checking for this gimmicky nonmusical hip hop byproduct that’s being widely popularized. Why would they? It’s not music. People’s increasing immunity to garbage hip hop will affect the music because people will take note that the age of garbage is behind us, finally. Hip hop has finally matured to an art form where it’s artists say to themselves “oh he/she did that?! Well then I have to go even further and do this, or take another direction and do this,” rather than “oh he/she did that? Well then I have to do that too.”
I first learned of you when I would see colorful photocopies with these amazing stanzas written on them signed “Homeboy Sandman” posted all over the trains. To me it seemed like it was a calling card to, for lack of a better term, real heads and MCs. It wasn’t necessarily something the average Joe or casual fan would understand as far as the patterns and the cleverness of the lines. What was the thinking behind that and what kind of results did that campaign yield.
That’s exactly what that campaign was all about. I’ll get the masses later. Right now let me do something to let all the people that know what nice is know that I’m nice. The lines, the emcees I mentioned, was all geared towards people that really know this art recognizing that I really know it too, thus becoming interested in checking for me. The thinking behind the whole thing was “I’m nice, now all I need is for people to know it.” I’ve always been an outside the box thinker and a do it yourselfer. The results that campaign yielded were a citywide notoriety that allowed me to warp various levels in regards to my visibility, marketability, and my entire career. Companies pay millions of dollars for that type of promotion. Seriously.
So what’s coming up for Homeboy Sandman? What is the ultimate goal?
My third album, The Good Sun is dropping in February. Look for that. Look for The Good Sun art campaign before that, it will be everywhere your eyes can see. If you thought that train idea popped off wait until you see this! My ultimate goal is to be the real life Wyld Stallyons (from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure) and make the world a better place with my music. A much, much better place.
Finally, any shows or projects you want to promote?THE GOOD SUN RISES THIS FEBRUARY. OPEN YOUR EARS AND LET THE SUN SHINE IN. And come through Sputnik in BK on November 14th and watch me put in work with PseudoSlang and Loki Da Trixa. And if you’re not in NYC check out the website for road dates ’cause we be putting in road work sun.
I’ve never understood Yak’s appeal. Beat reminds me of an EL-P throwaway. Def Jux’s roster as a whole seems like they’re gravitating toward this “sound” and it’s highly unappealing. That being said, this is one of those inexplicably catchy tracks you wish you’d never heard because you know it doesn’t carry any merit other than its capacity to render your brain incapable of obliterating it from memory.
I recently sat down with J57 of the New York City based rap group Brown Bag AllStars to discuss the group, their music, the NYC scene and their plans for the future.
Give us a brief introduction to each of the members of the group.
What’s up, I’m J57 (emcee/producer) from the Brown Bag AllStars, the group consists of The Audible Doctor (emcee/producer), Koncept (emcee), Soul Khan (emcee), DJ E Holla, Deejay Element, DJ Goo & myself. Most of us live in Brooklyn, E Holla lives in the Bronx & DJ Goo lived in BK for a few years but now lives back home in Arizona, but none of us are originally from Brooklyn. The Audible Doctor is originally from Wisconsin, Koncept grew up in Queens (then moved to Warwick, NY), Soul Khan is from California, Deejay Element is originally from Albany, NY & I’m originally from Long Island.
How did you guys come together?
Fat Beats. We all work at Fat Beats and became friends over the years. It all started because we used to chill there after-hours on Friday nights and get drunk while bullshitting about hip hop. It was often more than just the members of Brown Bag chilling it was friends and lady friends and most of them were emcees, DJ’s and producers. We never expected those chill sessions to turn into a serious hip hop group, but looking back now it makes sense when you see who’s in the group and how it all went down.
What is working at Fat Beats like? How has that experience effected you are artists and fans?
Working at Fat Beats keeps us up to date on what’s going on at all times in the hip hop scene. We get to use the Fat Beats customers as a daily focus group without even having to ask them any questions. They’ll walk in the store and look at what’s new and straight up tell us their opinion on the new albums. It doesn’t matter if we agree with everything they say, we still get the information from them and we notice what people are sick of in hip hop and what they’re really into at the moment.
Any good stories from working there?
Hell yeah, I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a few legendary artists and high up industry cats working here. Matter of fact, as I was answering the question prior to this one, Breeze Brewin of the Juggaknots walked in and chilled for a bit ha-ha. I gotta say the two craziest people I’ve met here would have to be DJ Kool Herc & Eminem. I met Herc years and years ago when I was just starting here with my homie Elann and I was beyond star struck because he’s one of the creators of hip hop. Eminem came by the store very recently with the Alchemist, Mr. Porter (shouts to them), Paul Rosenberg and a huge entourage of people from Shady Records. Who meets Eminem? I mean, really?? It was incredible just getting to bullshit with him for a half an hour. He really wanted my opinion on The Relapse and he was getting all amped up when I was telling him about all the Cold Chillin’ re-releases that have been dropping recently. The dude’s still a big hip hop head; he copped a Thirstin Howl III DVD, 3 Only Build 4 Cuban Linx 2’s, a Blueprint 3, a Beatnuts skully, a Fat Beats t-shirt and a few other things.
So did you tell him how you really feel about it?
Hell yeah, I told him I like the album only lyrically, which is true. I only like two beats. I immediately said, ‘’shit, was that too far?” ha-ha. He was acting like a new artist, sincerely saying “wow, really?? yo thanks, man!” I couldn’t believe how shocked he was that I thought he the album was lyrically great.
What is in the name Brown Bag? I’m sure NYer’s know but the rest of the country might not.
Being that we work at Fat Beats, we’d get on the guest list to any hip hop show, any time. So the entire summer of 2007, we would pre-game at Fat Beats for a few hours then go to whatever big show was going on that night. After a few months of doing that, I came up with the name Brown Bag AllStars as a joke name for the guest list of these shows we were always going to. The ”Brown Bag” part of the name came about because whenever we’d buy 40’s from the bodega around the block from Fat Beats, the owner would make sure he put a brown bag on every single 40 we purchased. Like I said, it was a pretty big crew of people that could drink a lot, so this guy was sitting there putting each individual 40 in a brown bag, most nights it was at least 30 bottles. We found it weird/funny, but the guy wouldn’t let us leave unless all the bottles had brown bags on them. So that’s how we got the name.
You guys do a lot of branding around the name, you have things like Brown Bag Season, brown bag Thursdays. Why did you guys start to take this approach, and how has it been working?
We took this approach because we realized branding is the key and if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. We’ve seen more shit and learned more than the average artist our age just from working at Fat Beats. We were steady doing 1 – 3 shows a week for a year straight but then realized we also need an online presence. Brown Bag Season is a marketing campaign that we developed to create an online buzz, outside of just doing shows around NYC, upstate, etc. We’ve released a free song or video clip a week from May 2009 to November 2009. At first, we were releasing 2 songs a week until early August. They were all songs that we started working on November 2008 and really finished up around that time. We took our time with the songs because we didn’t want to compromise the quality just to meet our deadlines.
As for Brown Bag Thursday’s, that is a bi-weekly hip hop show that we throw in NYC. We’ve had acts like Percee P, Poison Pen, Breez EvahFlowin, Natural Elements and these good chaps named Alaska & Kojo rock our stage as well as the cream of the crop of up-coming artists from around the Tri-State area.
It’s amazing to see that our marketing plans are really working and people are hitting us up every day trying to get in Brown Bag Thursday or to produce a track for Brown Bag Season. We’re really happy with the results.
Over the past few years people have been shitting on the NYC scene, me included. Then I stumbled upon you guys, homeboy sandman and others and was impressed with what the younger generation was doing. Tell the readers what has really been going on in the scene over the past few years and how you guys play into it.
We appreciate that! Honestly, the NYC scene sucked donkey balls for a few years. I think it was the over saturation of new rappers as well as the early decline of the music industry that got people depressed about “the state of the new artists.” People were coming into Fat Beats on a daily basis saying ”There’s nothing good out anymore” or “I can’t listen to any of these new rappers,” etc. I’m not really sure what it was that created this dramatic change in the quality of new NYC artists, maybe it was the fact that the younger cats like ourselves, were sick of the new breed? I’m not really sure, but let me say big shouts to Homeboy Sandman for being one of the greatest lyricists in NYC right now. That dude needs to be on the cover of The Source.
As a larger group I’m sure the creative process is a bit rougher than a solo artist or a duo. How does it work for you guys?
It actually works out pretty easy for us. We have meetings almost daily (whether through email or in person) and over time we realized that majority rule is the way to do it. If someone has an idea and 1 or 2 of us hates the idea but everyone else loves the idea, then we’re most likely going with that idea, etc. Also, as emcee’s we’re always asking each other for advice because we all want the best product possible. So, the group dynamic actually works in our advantage because our quality control is so strong. Our DJ’s actually come up with most of our live show ideas, so everyone contributes greatly to the group.
You just dropped the Brown Tape, what can the listeners expect?
Yes, sir, The Brown Tape is a project that we recorded in spring ‘08 but it’s a very solid project. We recorded it very quickly just to have merch to sell at shows and to get people familiar with our music. Listeners can expect: bangin’ beats, clever lyrics, and a very quality mixing. Overall, it is a very, very solid product of semi-older material.
What can we expect to hear from you guys over the next year?
In 2010 you can expect the Brown Bag AllStars’ debut album, Koncept’s EP, The Audible Doctor’s EP, Soul Khan mixtape and by December be on the lookout for my (J57) debut instrumental album called Digital Society. And of course expect a slew of dope mixtapes by Deejay Element & E Holla!! Myspace.com/BrownBagAllStars & BrownBagAllStars.blogspot.com. THANK YOU, Alaska!
Brown Bag AllStars - Undeniable (Audible Doctor Remix)
The man who keeps everyone waiting and waiting. I guess this have to hold us over until the new album officially drops. Peace to T.R.O.Y.’s Verge for the hook-up.
Breeze Brewin_01_Tangent (Dirty)
Breeze Brewin_02_Bumpy Johnson (Dirty)
Breeze Brewin_03_P.P.T. (Dirty)
Breeze Brewin_04_Tangent (instrumental)
Breeze Brewin_05_Bumpy Johnson (instrumental)
Breeze Brewin_06_P.P.T (instrumental)
Breeze Brewin_07_Tangent (accapella)
Breeze Brewin_08_Bumpy Johnson (accapella)
Breeze Brewin_09_P.P.T. (accapella)
Breeze Brewin_10_Tangent (clean)
Breeze Brewin_11_Bumpy Johnson (clean)
Breeze Brewin_12_P.P.T. (clean)
As election season nears I have decided I can no long sit idly by and watch the major decisions that affect the things I love be made by someone else who is most likely inferior in every way to myself. Thus I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for the Attorney General of Rap. I feel I have the experience, the know-how, and the ability to take kick backs under the table that my opponent just lacks.
While I have been out of the public eye for a little over two years now, I have been able to use this time wisely, and from what I’ve gathered we need a complete overhaul of the system. Granted it is a monumental task, but I think I am up to it. Why, you may ask? Well because I am white and in my mid-thirties. If that doesn’t uniquely qualify me for a position of power in America I don’t know what does.
I have assembled a crack staff of crack heads, racists, homophobes, dullards and un-hirables the likes of which the world has never seen. We have spent many a sleepless night devouring the research and we have come up with the following 5 point plan. A plan that we feel will save rap music from itself, our plan is as follows.
1. Race – We have broken rappers across racial lines and decided that only certain members of each race make contribution of quality to the art. Going forward only artists that fit into the criteria will be allowed to make rap music. The criteria are as follows:
Blacks – as long as you are a natural born or naturalized US citizen from one of the approved regions you will be permitted to make rap.
Latinos – Only Puerto Ricans and Dominicans. Sorry Mexicans and others, if we allow you to rap eventually you make shit like Reggaeton and I will not have that under my watch.
Whites – Only the Irish and the Italians. Because these groups hate black people so much that the hate seems to have emboldened them to bring back a proud minstrel tradition that all white trash/jugaloos can be proud. Plus they are super fun to laugh at.
Asians – Only Filipinos because of they’re great contributions to the art of turntablism.
Any attempts to make music by those that fall out of the accepted ethnic zone will result in an immediate extradition to Queens.
2. Religion – No religions will be allowed to make rap music:
It’s science fact that religion has a long history of fucking up rap music and every group is responsible for it. How so you ask? Well let’s take a look:
Muslims: after All for One nobody wanted to hear your mumbo-jumbo.
Christians: you guys fuck up whatever music you touch, look at metal and hardcore, plus you have country on lock.
Jews: You are responsible for MC Serch and Matisyahu, nuff said. Plus we have already let in the Italians and we don’t need two groups that try to pass themselves off as Puerto Ricans.
Buddhists, Atheists and other new agey types: Def Jux and Rhymesayers artists are established enough that they don’t need any local openers so you are done here.
Should any of you attempt to rap you will be forced to march in gay pride parades and for you new agey types you will be forced to each beef.
3. Regions/States – We have decided that only certain areas of the country have made acceptable contributions to the art and therefore they are the only ones allowed to continue to do so. These regions/states are as follows:
East Coast
New York (Tri-state only meaning New York City and parts of Jersey)
Pennsylvania (Philadelphia only)
Georgia (Atlanta only)
If you are not from one of these areas or have not lived there for more than 10 years you will not be allowed to make rap music, any attempts to do so will be punishable by a punch in the dick and a life public school teacher in the “bad” part of town.
4. Women – No women, sorry. Any attempt by a woman to rap will immediately be deemed unacceptable for reproduction or marriage.
5. Foreigners – If the events of 9/11 taught us anything it is this; WE MUST protect our borders at all costs. Luckily, due to the great work by the shadow government and raci….I mean minutemen we have not had another terrorist attack. However our ears have been assaulted with a barrage of sounds from north, south, east and west of the borders and as far as I’m concerned that is just unacceptable. If you elect me, on my first day in office I will enact laws that will keep our stores and airwaves free of this inferior and laughable product. Anyone caught listening to, selling, enjoying or inactively listening to rap that is not American made will be subject to re-education in a class room designed specifically for them, the retarded.
If we can institute my policies I think we can make the world of rap better. I hope that come Election Day I can count on your support and start to make rap a better and slightly less embarrassing place to be.
We live in a world where positively seems to be the call of the day, whether it is the best selling pseudo-positivity of The Secret or medicated haze of positivity created by big pharma, one thing is for sure, Americans are really scared to let the hate fly. Personally I love the negativity. Most times it is well deserved. Faux positivity is responsible for things like Paris Hilton, Puff Daddy, all the programming on CBS and Canada. The world is anything but a beautiful positive place, just pretending shit is sweet does nothing but make it worse. There was a day and age when people had shame, when Americans were held to a higher standard and when “they hatin” was what ugly girls said about cheerleaders to make themselves feel better about smelling like McRib sandwiches. Now its the calling card of the douche and we accept it, because we need to be positive. Fuck that. Its time to let the hate out and thats just what I plan to do.
I hit up my friend and PF mainstay Blockhead to run a few things by him and let the hate shine down.
Alaska: So Block here is my vision, I am going to give you a series of topics and you will need to let me know what it is that you hate about them.
Block: that sounds perfectly up my alley.
Alaska: The View.
Block: Hating the view is too easy. It’s annoying bitches talking. sure, it’s supposed to show the different types of women and celebrate all things womanly but it tends to work in reverse and ends up being a celebration of three old crows yelling at one , much prettier and much dumber right wing retarded person. The one thing that pops into my head when i think of “the view” is whenever they have an actor on, there’s a palpable uncomfortable vibe in the room from all the strangely flirtatious banter they throw at uhim. It doesn’t matter if it’s brad pitt or tom green. You get the feeling joy bahar is gonna start unzipping flies at any moment. Not a good look.
Alaska: The Lower East Side.
Block: Much like the rest of NYC , my beef with the lower east side lies much more in the people that inhabit it than the actual place. There was a time when the lower east side was a cutting edge area where only people in the know and/or willing to slum it a little bit would go to hang out. then, much like williamsburg, students and out of towners got wind that it’s was a moderately safe place to live with decent rent. Flash to 20 years later and it’s a sea of vertical striped shirt wearing dickbags stumbling down the street on a friday night cutting loose cause the stock market kicked their ass all week. The one thing LES had going for it, even just 7 years ago, was that kind of element stayed away from it. the frat boy types stuck to midtown or the college bars on 3rd avenue. I guess more bars opened up, the long island/jersey/queens/brooklyn contingent drifted further downtown and that’s where we are now. With that said, it’s still maintains some sort of diversity and occasionally some dumb girl will mouth off to the wrong kid from the projects and get knocked out. at this point, it’s all we can really ask for.
Alaska: Record Nerds.
Block: The thing i hate most about record nerds is that i often get mistaken for one. I know people assume anyone who makes beats is some crate digging uber geek with a crazy music collection but this just isn’t true. I NEVER listen to my records. anything i like is on my i-tunes. on top of that, 99% of the records i own are complete crap. with exception of a bunch of 90’s era indie rap vinyl, it’s all dollar bin records i sampled and threw in a pile never to be revisited again.
The thing about record nerds is that they tend to live by this “holier then thou” existence. they’re the type who won’t dub an rare album for someone cause..well…I don’t fucking know…they just won’t and it’s infuriating. what they need to understand is that they’re just collectors. what they deem to be a special momento from a lost time that should be cherished is , to a normal person, actually just a record. the best it can do is play music that people enjoy. it should be shared. especially when it’s out of print and the artist is in no way getting a penny from said “momento”. I got respect for people who have large collection of music they love. that’s fine. especially if you actually listen to the music you own, but if you just collect shit cause it’s “rare” regardless of how good the music is, you’re a fucking idiot.
Alaska: Kung Fu Flicks.
Block: For as long as I can remember, I’ve never given a shit about kung fu flicks. Obviously, for the majority of this time, I was only exposed to the most typical films of the genre. So, a few years ago, I thought I should give it a chance. I have a friend who is a kung fu movie fiend. He owns like 200 dvd’s of rare and critically acclaimed jewels only found in dark alley ways in north korea. I told him to pick a few out and lend them to me. You know what? I still don’t give a shit about them. The thing about kung fu movies is that you know what you’re getting. It’s a lot like porn. They’re all slightly different but you basically know where it’s going as far as action and storyline. The difference being , I can jerk off to porn where as, with kung fu movies, it’s just a bunch of dudes jumping around on wires. It’s like a thugged out “De La Guarda”.
Alaska: Aging Rappers.
Block: NOTHING is sadder than an aging rappers. 38 year old , withered , grown men in fitted baseball hats ,dressing the same way as their children, trying to recapture a flame lost over a decade ago. The worst is when they try and keep up with the times by emulating the styles of todays popular rappers. Rappers they themselves are partially responsible for influencing in some distant way. Hearing Kool G Rap or Big Daddy Kane try and sound relevant in today’s market breaks my heart. These are guys who set trends in the golden era of hip hop but now are reduced to doing cameos on songs with rappers who don’t deserve a guest spot from asher roth. It’s disgusting. basically, motherfuckers need to know when to hang it up. I know , with the existence of europe, it’s real easy to just go there and tour forever but nothing fucks up a legacy like over staying your welcome.
Alaska: Rage Against The Machine.
Block: In the 90’s there was this big rush to mix rap with other genres. jazz, rock, jam band…all of it. It rarely worked and made for some of the most offensive music ever made. At the forefront of this shitty idea (no disrespect to run dmc who really opened the doors to this crap) were rage against the machine. Shitty riffs with shitty social commentary said by a shitty rapper who sounded like a dying rooster.
I remember, when RATM was popular, meeting people who were obviously not into hip hop. They would find out I was into it and immediately try and connect on some “yo, you must love RATM!”. That’s kinda like if I were to say to a guy “yo, you love getting blow jobs? you must love eating a man’s ass!”.
Alaska: Science Fiction.
Block: Now, I don’t dislike all scifi. Some of it is pretty awesome, but the obsession with it beyond “oh, that’s kinda cool” is fucking retarded. Even worse are the people who take it seriously. The fact that people worship “Star wars” and “Star trek” like they do is just obscene. I know people like to escape reality every now and then but to truly submerge yourself in that kind of silly bullshit is just sad. Take it for what it is: some creative shit made for your entertainment. People get out of hand with that shit. I mean, fucking scientology is based on some scifi crap. It’s insane. To me, scifi is the anti-sports. Everything sports stand for, scifi is the exact opposite. I also notice that people who love scifi rarely like sports (or play them for that matter).
Thanks for the enlightenment Blockhead and thanks to you the reader for embracing the hate and making the world a better place one hateful diatribe at a time. See you next week.
My Five Point Plan to Save Rap Music
Friday, October 16th, 2009As election season nears I have decided I can no long sit idly by and watch the major decisions that affect the things I love be made by someone else who is most likely inferior in every way to myself. Thus I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for the Attorney General of Rap. I feel I have the experience, the know-how, and the ability to take kick backs under the table that my opponent just lacks.
While I have been out of the public eye for a little over two years now, I have been able to use this time wisely, and from what I’ve gathered we need a complete overhaul of the system. Granted it is a monumental task, but I think I am up to it. Why, you may ask? Well because I am white and in my mid-thirties. If that doesn’t uniquely qualify me for a position of power in America I don’t know what does.
I have assembled a crack staff of crack heads, racists, homophobes, dullards and un-hirables the likes of which the world has never seen. We have spent many a sleepless night devouring the research and we have come up with the following 5 point plan. A plan that we feel will save rap music from itself, our plan is as follows.
1. Race – We have broken rappers across racial lines and decided that only certain members of each race make contribution of quality to the art. Going forward only artists that fit into the criteria will be allowed to make rap music. The criteria are as follows:
Any attempts to make music by those that fall out of the accepted ethnic zone will result in an immediate extradition to Queens.
2. Religion – No religions will be allowed to make rap music:
It’s science fact that religion has a long history of fucking up rap music and every group is responsible for it. How so you ask? Well let’s take a look:
Should any of you attempt to rap you will be forced to march in gay pride parades and for you new agey types you will be forced to each beef.
3. Regions/States – We have decided that only certain areas of the country have made acceptable contributions to the art and therefore they are the only ones allowed to continue to do so. These regions/states are as follows:
New York (Tri-state only meaning New York City and parts of Jersey)
Pennsylvania (Philadelphia only)
Georgia (Atlanta only)
Illinois (Chicago only)
Minnesota (Minneapolis only)
Texas (Houston only)
California (Los Angeles and Oakland only)
If you are not from one of these areas or have not lived there for more than 10 years you will not be allowed to make rap music, any attempts to do so will be punishable by a punch in the dick and a life public school teacher in the “bad” part of town.
4. Women – No women, sorry. Any attempt by a woman to rap will immediately be deemed unacceptable for reproduction or marriage.
5. Foreigners – If the events of 9/11 taught us anything it is this; WE MUST protect our borders at all costs. Luckily, due to the great work by the shadow government and raci….I mean minutemen we have not had another terrorist attack. However our ears have been assaulted with a barrage of sounds from north, south, east and west of the borders and as far as I’m concerned that is just unacceptable. If you elect me, on my first day in office I will enact laws that will keep our stores and airwaves free of this inferior and laughable product. Anyone caught listening to, selling, enjoying or inactively listening to rap that is not American made will be subject to re-education in a class room designed specifically for them, the retarded.
If we can institute my policies I think we can make the world of rap better. I hope that come Election Day I can count on your support and start to make rap a better and slightly less embarrassing place to be.
Tags: Alaska, Comedy, commentary, Def Jux, hip hop, indie hip hop, Philaflava, politics, rap, Rhymesayers, rse, satire, Steady Bloggin'
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