Subway Platform Musicians

 

Blockhead
I’ve heard the tall tales of musicians getting discovered while playing on subway platforms.  We all have. MAYBE that shit has happened once in the history of the universe.  The same way some imaginary guy has been discovered while singing loudly to himself on the street (word to your man Tyrese).  Regardless of all these yet to be proven stories, subway musicians, by and large, are fucking annoying.  Whether it be some old guy on a trumpet fumbling his way through a rendition of “Summertime” or some hippie shitbag playing an acoustic guitar, it’s rarely anything anyone wants’ too hear.  Occasionally, you may luck out and come across one of those bizarre one man band motherfuckers who plays an organ, while drumming with their feet and blowing on a harmonica, but even those guys are only mildly entertaining for a short period of time. The bottom line with subway platform musicians is that it’s a self involved act. it’s someone thinking the world needs to hear their music and going to a place that people HAVE to be and cannot leave.  It’s not like they’re up in the coffee house or a small music venue.  They’re just chilling in public, playing their hearts out, while people go to work and, in most cases, want to be left completely alone.  So fuck those guys.  Not to mention when your greatest success story is kids playing buckets in a levis jeans commercial it may be time to look into plan b.

Williamsburg

Alaska
As a rule I hate revivalists.  Whether it is waiters from Johnny Rockets dressing like waiters from the 50′s or Little Brother making music that sounds like ATCQ ate a gang of retard sandwiches.  But the most annoying revivalists are those that like to dress up like colonists, and colonial Williamsburg is ground zero for these dicks.  I don’t get the appeal of this shit.  If I wanted to see an overzealous teacher or a failed actor I would just sign up for acting class at the local community college.  I don’t need some dick that doesn’t break character give me some shtick about not knowing what a toilet is when I ask him where to find the shitter.  Dude you are wearing a Swatch and drove here in a fucking 1997 Hyundai Excel, how about giving the shitty accent a break and tell me where I can drop this deuce off.  Wait did you mean the place in Brooklyn with all the J.O’s with stupid facial hair and Ting Ting shirts? 

people who are really into cupcakes

Blockhead
I could never hate on cupcakes. Who could they are fucking delicious, but what I can hate on is this weird cupcake hysteria that has emerged over the last decade or so. I may be off in this but I will lay 100% of that blame the TV show “Sex in The City”.  I guess in one episode they went to this cupcake bakery in NYC called “Magnolia” and all of sudden every person in a skirt needs a mouth full of buttermilk icing.  Now, I’ve been to this cupcake establishment and sure, it’s “cute”, but you know what? The cupcakes are completely and utterly mediocre.  It speaks in volumes about how far a store’s image can take you.  But I digress. 2 months ago I was at a wedding in Martha’s vineyard with a bunch of couples.  While walking around town we happened upon a cupcake shop.  It was a dainty little room set up with all sorts of cute frilly bullshit girls love and most importantly, a shit ton of cupcakes.  Needless to say, the half of the group that owned vaginas lost their minds. They spent like 20 minutes inside while all the guys stood outside rolling our eyes in unison.  Fast forward to this weekend and I hear my girlfriend talking extensively with a few other girls about this very cupcake shop, and all of them completely engrossed and excited about it.  Seriously, it’s just a fucking cupcake.  Eat that shit and K.I.M.

people who don’t own TV’s

Alaska
You know what?  I am a pretentious dick, I can own up to that.  I think if you have read one of these hate fueled rants you would concur.  I mock people who like shit like CBS sit-coms, Coldplay and the book The Secret.  Even so, I am nowhere near as pretentious as people who don’t own televisions.  They are the same people who wear scarves in t-shirt weather and carry around beat up leather satchels because Robin Williams did it in Dead Poet’s Society.  They will always inform you in such a dickish tone.  “Oh I don’t own a TV; we find ways to entertain ourselves”.  How by staring at your husband’s stretched out and stained Beatles T-shirt?  Or maybe by making macaroni pictures with your snob of a daughter Amelie.  The key thing to remember is that you are an asshole.  You are not interesting and nobody gives a fuck about the Russian author you are reading.  Not having a TV only makes you a superior dick but not superior. 

Scrabble
Every week Alaska and I do this and we email each other a list of things to hate on.  Sometimes he sends me shit I either can’t hate on or things I straight up love. This is one of those occasions. I fucking love scrabble.  Always have.  On top of that, I’m really fucking good at it. I spend an obscene amount of time online destroying my friends on facebook or playing over at wordbiz.jar with people so good I constantly think they’re cheating.  The irony of my love for scrabble is that I never read anything and pretty much have the vocabulary of a toddler.  Still, I’ve picked up a knack for memorizing useless 2 and 3 letter words (all of which I have no clue what they mean). So hating on scrabble, for me, is a hard one. That said, I suppose I could try – First off, I hate shitty tile distribution.  U’s, i’s, c’s and v’s are all letters I’ve never given a second thought to but in scrabble land they’re all vicious cocksuckers.  Secondly, scrabble takes over your brain. If I’ve played too much in one day I start seeing imaginary word combinations and begin conjuring up all sorts of 4 word combos  when I shut my eyes to sleep.  A similar thing used to happen when I’d play too much Tetris.  I’ve definitely lost sleep over scrabble and that, is pretty fucking unacceptable. Thirdly, I hate losing at something I’m really good at. I can handle getting beaten in a basketball game because, on a larger scale, I’m not that good.  At the same time, I very rarely lose to people I’m a lot better then.  But with scrabble, no matter how good you are, you will lose on occasion.  I rarely lose to friends but when I do they enjoy it way too much,  which eats away at my soul.
Other than those three things scrabble is the greatest game ever invented.  All you chess playing motherfuckers can eat a dick.

Blockhead

homeless people


Alaska
I know I should feel sympathy for these poor bastards, but you know what? I don’t.  Sure that probably makes me the dick, and I’m more than willing to own that.  Look, I know times are tough in America and its getting harder and harder to get by, but when even the biggest wastes I knew in high school can make due with a job at McD’s or some equally soul crushing establishment then you too can get by.  Sure it might be a shitty existence but if I learned anything from the dicks in colonial Williamsburg it is that even at our worst we have it pretty sweet since there is no Injuns trying to sell our kids into white slavery and small pox is a thing of the past.  If you are so fucked up that you have alienated everyone in your life because of unchecked mental illness or drug abuse why should I give a fuck about you.  Plus you all smell like a mix of urine and Hindus.