Regrettable Rap Purchases

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With Christmas just around the corner, this is the time of year I like to pretend I have more of a disposable income.  Usually I’ll spend some extra dough on family and friends, but chances are the price tag won’t put a hole in my wallet and I won’t suffer any serious consequences as a result.  If I had a larger bank account, I’d probably end up buying dumb, expensive gifts for everyone, because that seems like the thing to do if you’ve got cash.  That being said, I’d be interested to see a report on rapper gift-giving for the holiday season, Brother Ali and The Beastie Boys excluded, based on what some of them buy throughout the year.  Rappers buy some really dumb shit…


You know what I love?  Sprite.  And Jolly Ranchers.  And cough syrup if I’m feeling congested.  All three at once, I’m not so sure.  What do you think DJ Screw?  Big Moe?  Fine, don’t answer me, see if I care.  Pimp C?  No response.  I guess it must be that sleep apnea acting up again.  As much fun as it is to stumble out of the dentist’s office and listen to the batteries die in my walkman, it’s only fun in moderation.  Even then, I’m not exactly cheating death when I get my wisdom teeth removed.  I don’t understand the appeal of purple drank on a weekly (nightly?) basis, and I especially don’t understand the appeal of dying in my sleep from sippin’ on syzzurp.  Paying to die in my sleep is definitely not in my favorite past-times.

Maybe I just haven’t experimented enough yet, since smoking weed a variety of drugs is pretty much the norm in rap circles nowadays.  Some of my favorite tracks are about weed, so I’m all for using it if it results in better music.  Besides, odds are that your favorite rapper, at the very least, smokes weed recreationally. And while buying $10,000 worth of weed per month may not be the smartest business move, especially when accompanied by a ridiculous amount of tweets, to each his own.  Even if it does get you arrested.

But if it doesn’t, you can always get creative. I loved playing cops and robbers as much as any other kid growing up, but when smoking crack leads you to impersonate an FBI agent; especially somewhere you’re likely to get caught, like, oh, let’s say an airport, that’s where I draw the line.  DMX does not.  Because hey, at least he didn’t REALLY think he was a fed.  I mean it’s not like he was high on PCP in the middle of the street screaming, naked and covered in blood, after eating part of his roommate’s lung; know what I mean Big Lurch?

Things That Tell Time

When was the last time a rapper was on time?  For anything?  Ever?  Probably never.  Flava Flav might have the biggest clock collection in the world, and he probably can’t even tell time.  Even if he can, it’s probably wrong since he’s always reading it upside-down – that must be tough.  So I ponder how punctual Rick Ross is when he says something like

“Look at Haiti, children dyin’ round the clock nigga/ I’d send 100 thou but that’s a decent watch nigga.”

I’d be willing to bet RickyRickyRicky a pretty sweet Timex he hasn’t been on time for anything in a long time.  So why the expensive watch, Officer?  You no longer need to clock-in for the nightshift at the DoC.  Are the batteries dead?  Made you look!  My 1996 Timex Ironman may not be in the 24 karat, diamond encrusted, hundred-thousand dollar range that you’re used to, Mr. I’m-always-on-time-for-everything-ever, but it sure does tell time well. Plus it’s digital, and much easier on the eyes.

Cosmetic Surgery for your Mother

How’d that work out for you Kanye?  I understand how important an MC’s image is to modern hip hop.  As much as I don’t agree with it, I understand.  It’s part of the reason why Nicki Minaj is popular right now; because every male that’s heard of her wants a piece, even Regis. So, if she did get ass implants as rumored, I’m not mad at her.  I doubt, however, that your 58 year-old mothers’ image matters much at all.  It’s a loving gesture to do something for your mom to show you care: a phone call, a nice pair of earrings, or something people do all the time, like record a song.  So that tummy tuck she asked for, you know, the one you paid for from the surgeon with numerous malpractice suits; it probably could’ve been avoided without much resistance.

Really, Really Dumb Tattoos

Tattoos are pretty awesome.  Sometimes they turn out really dope.  But sometimes they turn out really bad, and that makes them way better for just about everyone else.  As cool as I thought tattooing a butterfly on the side of your face would be.  Sometimes you can be pretty sure a five year-old was involved.  But a five year-old wouldn’t know how to spell the word “slaughter,” would they Crooked I? Sometimes they’re just weird, like looking at a portrait tattoo of your six year-old daughter will be once she’s in her late teens.  Essentially, a lot of rappers get bad tattoos, and a lot of rappers get a lot of tattoos.  I know, I know, nothing is better than a neck tattoo; it’s only hidden when you’re rocking that new turtleneck, but it’s unfortunate that when you’re 40 and have spent all your hard-earned money, NOBODY WILL HIRE YOU, so you can’t go back to work at footlocker to keep up with that shoe collection.


If there’s one thing I can reference in absolutely any situation (seriously, try me), it’s The Simpsons.  That being said, it’s probably not something I want to brag about in public, and it’s definitely not if my girlfriend is reading this, which she almost certainly is.  Gucci Mane is clearly a braver man than I, and I assume that he can recite every episode in his DVD collection on demand (because he owns them all) from memory by the way he proudly wears his neck charm. For that I applaud you, my fellow Simpson aficionado.  Just imagine if Gucci Mane and Soulja Boy got to hang out for an afternoon.  Gucci would be all like “We could totally watch ALL of season 7 of The Simpsons.  Right.  Now!”  To which Soulja Boy would naturally respond, “Yay!  We can even take the RC diamond encrusted Lamborghini off my chain for playtime!” Completely ignoring his mother’s requests by the way.  It’d be nothing but LOL’s and smiley faces all day.

A Minority Share in a Professional Sports Organization

Buying a minority share in an NBA team seems like a pretty sound investment on the surface, but I don’t think rappers necessarily understand the corporate side of the league.  For example, the Charlotte Bobcats have consistently had terrible attendance since expansion in 2004.  But let’s give Nelly the benefit of doubt; there probably were no signs that a professional team would do poorly in Charlotte.  Oh wait, yes there were.  For starters, the team is based in a city that already saw one team, the Charlotte Hornets, move away just two years before.  Residing in a state dominated by college basketball, the Bobcats should consider themselves lucky if they’re the 4th favorite team in North Carolina (see: UNC, Duke, NC State).  Those two factors alone would be enough to scare me off as a potential owner, but maybe Nelly really wants basketball to exist at a professional level in Charlotte.  Too bad about all those recent contraction rumors going around. Look on the bright side Cornell, not everyone can say they put their court to good use.

You don’t buy into a five-star restaurant with the expectation that you can persuade Gordon Ramsey to work in your kitchen.  Sports are no different, so it’s never a wise move to buy into a team on the premise you can convince a star player to come play for you, especially when it isn’t for a major market team.  Face it, Hova.  You expected LeBron to come to New Jersey as an unrestricted free agent, and in hindsight, you’d be in a not-so-good situation if Captain Save-A-Hov didn’t come to the rescue.  But the most important thing to remember is that you’re not Usher; so LeBron hasn’t already abandoned your franchise that was about to fold before his rookie season, you’re probably not going to lose millions of dollars, and Mikhail Prokhorov is not Dan “Comic Sans” Gilbert.

Honorable mentions: Tickets to the Mike Tyson/Bruce Seldon fight in Las Vegas, Items designed to look like your face, Videos directed by Kanye West, $75,000 worth of your own music on iTunes.

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