As election season nears I have decided I can no long sit idly by and watch the major decisions that affect the things I love be made by someone else who is most likely inferior in every way to myself.Â Thus I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for the Attorney General of Rap.Â I feel I have the experience, the know-how, and the ability to take kick backs under the table that my opponent just lacks.Â
While I have been out of the public eye for a little over two years now, I have been able to use this time wisely, and from what Iâ€™ve gathered we need a complete overhaul of the system.Â Granted it is a monumental task, but I think I am up to it.Â Why, you may ask? Well because I am white and in my mid-thirties.Â If that doesnâ€™t uniquely qualify me for a position of power in America I donâ€™t know what does.Â
I have assembled a crack staff of crack heads, racists, homophobes, dullards and un-hirables the likes of which the world has never seen.Â We have spent many a sleepless night devouring the research and we have come up with the following 5 point plan.Â A plan that we feel will save rap music from itself, our plan is as follows.
1.Â Race – We have broken rappers across racial lines and decided that only certain members of each race make contribution of quality to the art.Â Going forward only artists that fit into the criteria will be allowed to make rap music.Â The criteria are as follows:
- Blacks â€“ as long as you are a natural born or naturalized US citizen from one of the approved regions you will be permitted to make rap.
- Latinos â€“ Only Puerto Ricans and Dominicans.Â Sorry Mexicans and others, if we allow you to rap eventually you make shit like Reggaeton and I will not have that under my watch.
- Whites â€“ Only the Irish and the Italians.Â Because these groups hate black people so much that the hate seems to have emboldened them to bring back a proud minstrel tradition that all white trash/jugaloos can be proud.Â Plus they are super fun to laugh at. Â
- Asians â€“ Only Filipinos because of theyâ€™re great contributions to the art of turntablism.
Any attempts to make music by those that fall out of the accepted ethnic zone will result in an immediate extradition to Queens.
2. Religion â€“ No religions will be allowed to make rap music:
Itâ€™s science fact that religion has a long history of fucking up rap music and every group is responsible for it. Â How so you ask?Â Well letâ€™s take a look:
- Muslims: after All for One nobody wanted to hear your mumbo-jumbo.
- Christians: you guys fuck up whatever music you touch, look at metal and hardcore, plus you have country on lock.Â
- Jews: You are responsible for MC Serch and Matisyahu, nuff said. Plus we have already let in the Italians and we donâ€™t need two groups that try to pass themselves off as Puerto Ricans.
- Buddhists, Atheists and other new agey types: Def Jux and Rhymesayers artists are established enough that they donâ€™t need any local openers so you are done here. Â
Should any of you attempt to rap you will be forced to march in gay pride parades and for you new agey types you will be forced to each beef.
3. Regions/States â€“ We have decided that only certain areas of the country have made acceptable contributions to the art and therefore they are the only ones allowed to continue to do so.Â These regions/states are as follows:
- East Coast
New York (Tri-state only meaning New York City and parts of Jersey)
Pennsylvania (Philadelphia only)
Georgia (Atlanta only)
Illinois (Chicago only)
Minnesota (Minneapolis only)
Texas (Houston only)
- West Coast
California (Los Angeles and Oakland only)
If you are not from one of these areas or have not lived there for more than 10 years you will not be allowed to make rap music, any attempts to do so will be punishable by a punch in the dick and a life public school teacher in the â€œbadâ€ part of town.
4. Women â€“ No women, sorry.Â Any attempt by a woman to rap will immediately be deemed unacceptable for reproduction or marriage.Â
5. Foreigners â€“ If the events of 9/11 taught us anything it is this; WE MUST protect our borders at all costs.Â Luckily, due to the great work by the shadow government and raciâ€¦.I mean minutemen we have not had another terrorist attack.Â However our ears have been assaulted with a barrage of sounds from north, south, east and west of the borders and as far as Iâ€™m concerned that is just unacceptable.Â If you elect me, on my first day in office I will enact laws that will keep our stores and airwaves free of this inferior and laughable product.Â Anyone caught listening to, selling, enjoying or inactively listening to rap that is not American made will be subject to re-education in a class room designed specifically for them, the retarded.Â Â
If we can institute my policies I think we can make the world of rap better. I hope that come Election Day I can count on your support and start to make rap a better and slightly less embarrassing place to be.